Do you have help for my friend?
He's 28 and never left home. What do I do?
My son is a good-natured and charismatic, tall, atheletic person. He has no discipline or guidance and hasn't found positive motivation on his own. He is not responsible in paying his bills or parking tickets and is often bailed out by his parents. He hasn't completed any education or training and usually works about 12 weeks out of a year in some restaurant or mall store.We cover his room and board and his friends pay for his gas and drinking binges. While his homebase is in our basement, he is typically partying at clubs four nights a week from 11p to 3am and sleeps until 1 in the afternoon.
I can see the cycle, but I can't break it. When we make an effort to instigate change, he senses it and will become angry, defensive, ignoring, malicious, or will disappear at friend's places for a few days until the heat cools off. Meanwhile, we both have jobs and can't sit around with the frustration and passion to resume this draining fight the moment that we see him again.
In addition to being my son who I love, he is also large, intimidating, and manipulative.
Is there a plan that I can follow to humanely break this pattern or a support group to help me work through the plan and the details? Is this a common problem? Am I to blame for this outcome?
This is tough because some parents don't have to worry about this as children may be internally motivated to achieve. What do you do when everything lines up where the child doesn't know how to move on and the parent's don't know how to provide a strong, loving and disciplined approach?
And it begs to be asked. . . Is it a problem to wait until the son leaves on his own even if this never happens?
4 comments:
It's sad to read this, since changing people that are close to us, is no easy task. You can offer help as needed & give advice to both in this context, & attempt to challenge each person to change a behavior that contributes to this cycle that seems never-ending. Do what you can to inspire change, but remember you have to be willing to work if you really want to see change. The person has to want to change for the better too, he has to want to progress & step-up to life's challenges, otherwise his situation stays the same. I wish you luck with this--& don't forget you're an excellent role-model here.
With a history that long, intervention is required. You have created a person who will always be a drain on society by giving them handouts, instead of letting them ask for a hand.
The first method creates a dependency and the second creates personal accountability.
http://allnurses.com/forums/f300/borderline-personality-disorder-behavioral-unit-284415.html?referrerid=220656
This could be very helpful if you have come here searching for answers.
Do you have communication? Are there routines in the household?
The lacking skills consist of poor communication with your kids, not setting boundaries and limits, and ineffective discipline practices.
While it's important to have fun as a family, you must be responsible to.
Although it's possible that he will just leave on his own, it is more likely that he will attach to someone equally inept and unmotivated. Then you will enjoy two immature adults living in your house.
Seek expert guidance from a family counselor. Tell them what you want. They will guide you through successful steps leading to his independence!
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